Trading McPlaces
by OzGeek
Summary: Abby and McGee swap bodies for a day. Silly, pointless and shamelessly without plot. A litle McAbby, but they decided it's too creepy to persue. Four chapters.
1. Everyone should have a hobby

**Chapter 1 - Everyone has to have a hobby**

Try as he might, McGee could not fathom what he was doing sitting cross-legged on the floor in Abby's lab just before dawn. The array of candles set up in the little back room gave off an ethereal glow, not to mention a pungent odour which was threatening to send his allergies into overdrive.

He eyed the fluorescent blue liquid Abby handed him warily then took a cautious sniff. "Smells like cat's pee," he noted.

"And you'd know that because…."

"I have inconsiderate neighbours. Do we really have to drink this stuff?"

"Only as the first beams from the rising sun touch us," Abby intoned dramatically.

McGee shook his head in bewilderment. He could never work out how someone so steeped in science and logic one moment could suddenly flip to occult, voodoo and alien abductions the next. Then again, he could never work out why he went along with her.

"And what's this one supposed to do?" He had long since given up committing Abby's experiments to memory.

"Swap our brains, McGee. I'll be in your body and you'll be in mine. Wouldn't that be cool?"

McGee's eyes slid to Abby's breasts momentarily as he considered the upside. Then he shook his head: his sanity was being dragged down to the lowest common denominator. "Until when?"

"Until the sun sets."

"Great."

"Shhhh: it's nearly time."

Abby took one of his hands in hers and interlaced their fingers. A warm glow began to radiate deep within him and he remembered why he let Abby talk him into these things: there was always some touching. The room slowly brightened.

"Drink, McGee!" called Abby urgently, bringing her cup to her lips.

He squeezed his eyes shut and grimaced at the first swallow: it tasted worse than it smelt. In the aftermath, he fought a valiant battle against his stomach as it tried to evict the noxious, possibly toxic, brew. Then a wave of dizziness thumped him so hard he landed flat on his back.

When McGee opened his eyes again, Abby had put a mirror in front of his face. "Very funny," he growled.

He stopped: that wasn't his voice.

Then the face in the mirror spoke with his voice: "This is soooo cool."

"Abby?" he had never heard his own quaver in Abby's voice.

But Abby was no longer looming over him, she was jumping his body up and down in the small room yelling: "Yes, yes, yes!"

McGee clambered unsteadily to a stand on platform boots and hung on to the side of the desk. "No, no, no," he countered. "Put us back."

"Not until sunset!" Abby's gleeful tone in his own voice, accompanied by the hyperactive bouncing, made him look like an escapee from a local institution.

"Would you stop jumping my body around like that?"

Abby stopped. "You're right," she agreed. Then McGee saw Abby spread an evil smile over his face: an expression he didn't know his muscles were configured to achieve. "There's something I've always wanted to try," she said and suddenly she shot out of the back room into the lab.

McGee stumbled Abby's body after his own. "Abby," he warned, "any damage to my body can be replicated on yours."

"Which reminds me," Abby stopped McGee's body dead in its tracks. "Fresh canvas! I just don't have enough available real estate for a new tat, but you…"

"Touch one layer of dermis and I'll spend the entire day having your tats laser removed."

Abby pouted his lips in a ridiculously feminine way.

"Oh, please don't use that expression," McGee begged. "Tony's gaydar is going to go right off the scale."

"OK, I'll forget the tat," Abby finally conceded, "but I've always wanted to see you do this."

McGee watched in horror as Abby threw up his arms and cartwheeled awkwardly across the lab. The coat slipped over his body's head, blinding Abby and that, combined with his body's inexperience in the act, caused Abby to over-balance smashing against a bench at the end of the lab. He raced over to where Abby was struggling to sit up. "That's going to leave a bruise," he grumbled.

"Wow, that made me really dizzy," said Abby.

"Yeah," McGee agreed in his 'wasn't that obvious' voice.

"What are you doing McGee?"

McGee flicked Abby's head around to face Tony, managing to catch a pigtail in the eye. "I, um, gave McGee, ah, an energy drink."

Tony shot McGee a quizzical look intended for Abby. "And now he's doing cartwheels? I'll have what he's having."

McGee twisted Abby's face into a look he hoped resembled sarcasm or a sneer, or something equally appropriate.

"You OK, Abbs?" Tony asked, reaching down and offering McGee an arm. "'Cause you look constipated or something."

"Yeah, fine."

"Comon' Probie," Tony turned his attention to Abby. "We've got a case."

McGee cringed as he watched Abby light up his face.

"Cool! Do I get to use a gun?"


	2. Abby's day

Chapter 2 – Abby's day

"You notice anything different about Probie today?" Tony asked Ziva casually as he watched McGee skipping around the crime scene brandishing the camera.

Ziva straightened from the floor where she had been bagging and tagging evidence. "You mean like the way he jumped and clapped his hands together when we told him to sit in the back of the van or the way he keeps twirling his fingers at the side of his head as though there were something there?"

"I was thinking more of the way he saluted Gibbs."

"Yes, that too was unusual."

"What was unusual was that when Gibbs whacked him on the back of the head, he actually complained about the pain."

"Did you say Abby gave him some sort of drink?"

"Yeah."

"Was it legal?"

"I doubt it."

Ziva watched McGee spring lightly over the body with an excited squeal. "He has also called Abby several times to discuss her mass spec. Almost as often as you are on your second mobile. You don't think they are…."

"Nah, they've been down that road before."

"Maybe it was a love potion."

"Oh please: though that would explain the cartwheel." Tony paused suddenly and looked down at the bag in Ziva's hand. "I thought you were doing the photos."

"He commandeered the camera, said I wasn't reflecting the 'true pathos' of the scene."

"And you let him?"

"It was either that or have him hug me again. I'm getting pretty sick of that."

"You think _you're_ getting sick of it……" An exaggerated sob broke Tony's train of thought and he looked behind him. "Do you want to interview the hysterical girlfriend?"

"Oh please," Ziva shuddered. "I'd rather have McGee explain the other plane of existence to me again."

"Hey Probie," Tony called out. "We need someone to interview the witness."

"Cool!"

Tony and Ziva watched as McGee trotted off happily to the living room couch where the distraught witness sat sobbing inconsolably. Then they turned as one to watch the scene unfold from the sidelines.

"Oh you poor thing," McGee crooned when he reached the witness, leaning over and giving her a hug. "Don't worry; it's all part of a bigger picture."

The shocked woman looked up at him as though he were insane.

McGee took the chance to bounce onto the couch and sit cross-legged beside her. "So," he said cheerily. "Tell me what went down. I want all the gory details. Leave nothing out."

Tony and Ziva exchanged worried glances.

Too astounded to be upset, the woman immediately started detailing events while McGee hunted for a pen and paper. Once he had found them however, he seemed to have enormous difficultly actually writing.

"Ah, Probie," Tony called. "You're, ah, left handed."

"Oh, hey that's right!" McGee's face lit up and he swapped hands. He turned back to the witness who had ceased to cry and was now looking rather bemused. "From the top, witness lady."

Tony shook his head: It was going to be a long day.


	3. Equipment

Chapter 3 – Equipment

Lying face down on the laboratory bench, McGee wondered how Abby managed to be so lively all the time. He'd eaten the mysterious forms of undiscovered plant life he'd found in her lunch box but they didn't help. Maybe she'd had a late night that was catching up with him.

For six hours he'd been tottering around the lab on Abby's platform boots trying to keep up with her quota. Despite his years of forensic training, Abby still refused to let him touch the mass spectrometer. She called him on the hour to check he wasn't even entertaining the thought. In reality, his thoughts were entirely focused on what Abby was up to in the field and whether he would still have a job in the morning.

"McGee, what's wrong?" He heard the comforting sound of his own voice – Abby was back.

McGee gathered his energy and lifted Abby's head a whole inch above the table. "I don't know." Task complete, he lowered the head again.

He heard Abby stomp loudly across the lab. The stomping stopped at his elbow and was replaced by an icy rattle.

"What's this McGee?"

"What?"

"It's full Caf-Pow."

"And?"

He knew she was looking over to the fridge where he had stored every Caf-Pow brought to him today.

"McGee! Exactly how many Caf-Pows have you given my body today?"

"None."

"None! My body needs a Caf-Pow at least every hour: it recharges my batteries." She shoved a straw in her own body's mouth. "My body is loosing health units, McGee: drink."

He sucked slowly and felt the strength magically returning.

"Why didn't you drink the Caf-Pows?" Abby demanded.

"I, ah, didn't want to visit the bathroom," he admitted between sucks.

"Why, that's half the fun?"

McGee stopped sucking. "How many times have you been?"

"About seven."

"Abby!" He hated to think what she had been playing with. "They're going to think I have a bladder infection."

"It's great," Abby enthused striding around the room waving McGee's arms wildly. "This communal standing up is the best. Every time Gibbs or Tony goes, I go too. I've seen it all. It's answered some questions I've had for a long time. Did you know Tony free-balls?"

"I'm going to get a reputation. They're going to send me to counselling."

"While we are on the subject, how many times an hour do guys think about 'doing it'? These thoughts keep popping into my head. I thought guys weren't good at multi-tasking."

"That's why we're not good at multi-tasking," said McGee ruefully. He had enough energy to sit up straight on the stool again.

"So what about it?"

"What?"

"You know: we could try out the equipment. The ballistics lab seems appropriate."

McGee shuddered. "Oh that's just creepy."

"OK, that might be a little off-putting," she admitted. "Maybe I'll try Tony or Gibbs."

"Abby!" He stared at her incredulously.

"What?"

"Gender….."

"Oh, right: your reputation. Maybe I should try Ziva."

"I'd like the equipment still attached when I get my body back."

"Yeah, that's a point. Besides, it's a bit of a turn off for me."

"So, did you kill anyone out there today?"

"No but…."

"What?"

"I'm guessing you don't hug Tony much – huh."

McGee squeezed Abby's eyes shut tightly in horror. "No, and I don't use the word 'huh' either."

"He did seem a little surprised."

"Counselling AND a harassment order."

* * *

Warning: Small spoiler for In the Dark (end season 4) onward…

Yes, OK I wrote this chapter before THAT episode in NCIS with Abby and her Caf-Pows. I thought about changing it but then I thought: 'Hey, they've swapped bodies: I lost touch with reality in chapter 1'


	4. With the setting of the sun

**Chapter 4 - with the setting of the sun**

"For the last time, DiNozzo," said Gibbs as he and Tony entered the lab. "I have never seen Freaky Friday. Besides, I tasted Abby's potion. It was worse than varnish, but nothing happened to me." He slammed a Caf-Pow on the bench next to McGee. "Whatcha got Abs?"

McGee swallowed hard. Gibbs seemed to be standing too far into his personal space by an order of magnitude. He shuffled away slightly only to have Gibbs lean even closer.

"Oh Abby's been an absolute genius on this one, boss," Abby started, hauling McGee's body around to hem McGee between herself and Gibbs.

McGee raised Abby's eyebrows at her.

"You should give her a raise," Abby continued.

"No, no, no," McGee replied. "McGee is being far too modest as always. I simply couldn't have done it without him."

"Me modest?" Abby countered. "No Boss, she just doesn't want you to be blinded by her brilliance."

"Are you two sleeping together again?" Gibbs cut in.

"No we ruled that out," McGee informed him.

"So what have you got?"

"A match," replied McGee in his best triumphant Abby voice. "We nailed him".

"That's good work, Abbs," said Gibbs kissing him on the cheek.

McGee slid Abby a horrified expression as the moist patch on his face cooled. He was not impressed to see the huge smirk Abby had put on his own face. He never smirked – well almost never. Smug: yes, smirk: no. Then she leaned his check out to Gibbs to receive the same favor and McGee almost choked.

"You OK," Gibbs asked McGee with the tone of concern he reserved for Abby.

"Yeah," McGee eyed Abby malevolently.

Gibbs turned to Abby's McGee, shook his head and left with Tony hot on his heels. Abby and McGee watched them leave in strained silence until the door slid shut. Then they exploded simultaneously.

"What are you doing?" yelled McGee.

"Apparently I do nothing; I leave it all to you!"

"He already thinks I do nothing."

"No he…McGee, it's nearly sun down!"

"So? Oh great, what do we do?"

"Back in the room: so long as we have drunk the potion once, we only have to be touching as the sun sets to swap bodies. It says: 'Who ye touch, shall ye return'. "

"No drinking cat's pee?"

"That was entirely herbal."

"So is arsenic."

"Shhhh." Abby sat cross legged on the floor and pulled him down with her. "Hold my hand."

"And repeat 'there's no place like home'?"

"Stop it."

So intent were they on their mission that, sitting holding hands as the last of the suns rays receded, neither noticed Gibbs re-enter in the lab, stalk to the back room and open the door. It was only just as the sun finally set that McGee noticed Gibbs' hand touching Abby's bare arm. Then the dizziness hit him again.

--END--

* * *

Authors note: Admit it – you knew I was going to use that opening line somewhere. At the risk of offending the connoisseurs: Mark Harmon played the mother's fiancé in Freaky Friday.


End file.
